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Favorite book: The Old Testament.
Favorite movie: The Empire Strikes Back. I cry every time I see it.
Favorite band: Of all time - The Rolling Stones. Of current relevance
– Broken Social Scene
Favorite breakfast cereal: Call me old fashioned, but I love me a big
bowl of granola.
Favorite smell: I don’t really like odors of any kind. I think
I smelled a shampoo once that I kind of liked.
Favorite sound: Tie - Rain falling/Marc Bolan yelling “Rock!”
just prior to the guitar solo on T. Rex’s “Ballrooms of
Mars”.
Favorite place: My front porch on a Sunday morning in late November.
Favorite color: A drab green or maybe a rusty orange (The latter, incidentally,
is also the name of my neo-hippie jam-band).
Favorite time of year: Late November.
Favorite time of day: Early, early morning.
Personal heroes: Victims. I hope I can someday find the strength and
sheer force of will to rise to the challenge of being victimized.
Personal anthem: Moonage Daydream – David Bowie.
If you could have a super ability what would it be? The ability to endure
other people’s lousy taste in music.
A genie grants you three wishes, what are they?
1. The ability to play guitar.
2. A full head of rich, luxurious hair.
3. My mothers love.
If you could be the lead singer of any band, what band would it be?
Jarvis Cocker-Pulp.
Which Hollywood actress/actor would you like to have dinner with? Alan
Alda.
Do you play a musical instrument? No.
Do you usually tip the waitress at Sonic? Sonic has waitresses? They
don't work the dumpster out back, I can tell you that much.
Have you had any major physical injuries? I got a sliver today. Does
that count. It really hurts.
If you were a Transformer, what would you transform into?
A tiny boom box and then I would launch smaller transformers shaped
like little cassette tapes out of my chest. And then my arm would break
off because I'm made of cheap Chinese plastic.
What do you want to be when you grow up? A grown-up.
What are your hobbies: Glue-gun-based crafts, betting on fifteen year-old
episodes of Nickelodeon game shows, Drunken Pontificating.
Have you ever had an encounter with a ghost? No, just the occasional
ex-girlfriend
What attributes would you say define beauty? Self-awareness, good taste
in music, perfectly symetrical and properly shaped and proportioned
physical features.
You need a heart transplant and you have to get it from an animal whose
'spirit' will then influence your personality. Which animal's heart
do you choose? You ever see that movie where Christian Slater gets a
Baboon heart and Marisa Tomei falls in love with him. Who greenlights
this s***?
A nurse shark fights a jaguar, who will win?
Jaguar because jaguars fight dirty. I once had one wing a beer bottle
at the back of my head as I was walking away. Another time a jaguar
called truce and then kneed me in the groin as I was shaking his paw.
You've heard of those who cook/eat the turducken (a chicken stuffed
inside of a duck stuffed inside of a turkey), what's the most bizarre,
three-animals-stuffed-inside-each-other dish you can come up with?
Me stuffed in my mother’s womb, stuffed in her mother’s
womb.
Pigeon: friend or foe? I decide on a pigeon by pigeon basis.
What position(s) do you usually play? Fetal (usually while sobbing uncontrollably).
What is your favorite Band-Aid Softball memory? How can I pick just
one? Probably winning the game that got us into the semi-finals (is
that what they’re called) our first season. You would have thought
we had just discovered the cure for cancer.
Where do you work? In a small, frigid office with a single window that
looks out onto an OSHA nightmare of a warehouse.
Do you want kids? Why or why not? Nobody wants kids. People think they
want kids, but what they really want is something that will fill the
massive black hole at the center of their soul, the one that formed
shortly after the super-nova of their adolescence when all the hopes
and dreams of their youth collapsed under the insistent and inexorable
gravity of “real life”. The black hole cannot be filled,
but I guess it’s that sort of self-delusion that keeps this old
world spinning.
What high school did you graduate from? Dobson.
How old were you when you first spoke and what was your first word?
I don’t remember. I was pretty young at the time. The first words
I definitely remember saying were “Good”, “morning”,
and “Mike”. That was about three hours ago. Everything prior
to that is a little hazy.
Is your family from Arizona? No, my folks are from Utah and Idaho, but
my family line can be traced back to the so-called Fertile Crescent
which sounds kind of dirty but it’s not.
Do you have any pets? The domestication of animals was Man’s second
great sin against Nature (right after the development of agriculture).
On a more personal level, though, I have a rule about never sharing
my home with any living thing that can’t read past an 8th grade
level.
What was your first car? A 1975 Plymouth Valiant. To this day the finest
automobile I’ve ever owned.
What is your favorite snack? Not sure. Something more savory than sweet,
I’d imagine. A cracker of some sort. Yeah. That sounds good. Maybe
with cheese. Mmmm. Havarti.
If you could describe yourself as a type of candy, what would it be?
I’ve lost all capacity for this sort of abstract thinking. I don’t
know. A postage stamp. Sure. Let’s say that. A postage stamp.
What is your favorite safari animal? Elephants rule.
What's the most embarrassing movie you own? Probably one of the new
Star Wars movies. God, I’m tired of defending those things.
What type of shampoo is in your shower? Ah, shit. I’m out of shampoo.
Thanks for reminding me.
Bar soap or body wash? Body wash.
What are your pet peeves? Sometimes I think the entirety of my identity
is just a vast collection of pet peeves. For the sake of brevity, I’ll
name just a few: people who take pride in their own ignorance; people
who manufacture drama; grown adults who use juvenile terminology (e.g.,
poop, boobies, wiener, etc.).
Favorite James Bond movie? I’ve got a real soft spot for “You
Only Live Twice”.
You want to start using birth control, should you tell your parents?
No. It might lead them to suspect that I’m having sex.
You find $5 on the street. Do you turn it in? To who? The Police? I
don’t know who would be a bigger idiot—the guy who turns
in $5 or the guy who wanders the city looking for the $5 he lost.
You develop the ability to fly, what's the first thing you do? Question
reality as I have come to understand it.
Someone else's baby and your own pet dog are hanging off the edge of
a cliff. Which do you save? (You can only save one, be REAL!) Hmm. What
color is the baby?
What are you most proud of? Well, it’s certainly not that last
joke.
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